Is this a good short story? Comment?
This is from my worthy of publishing page (under the username Jessy* if you wanted to check it out, at worthyofpublishing.com ;) Ya if you would please give comment and feedback on it :) rate 1-10 :) (this is just in case you wanna, guess how old I am based on my writing, will give best answer!!) Alexi Brice was only eight when she found out. What, exactly happened? Not even she knows the answer to that. All she knew was that her and her brother had been selected. They were to become Russian agents. Not by choice, but by force. Having lived in Russia for most of their lives, the twins Alexi and Nikolai were pretty familiar with their surroundings. Moscow was a pretty popular city, and most people there looked like they had something to hide, something to regret. At first, the two of them refused. So they were tied up, and had knifes to their necks with a little drop of blood flowing down the side, just enough to make them surrender. Alexi remembers it like it was yesterday. “Nikolai,†she had choked to her brother through the gag, thinking that their lives were to end, “no matter what happens, we stick together.†Nikolai looked at her through the corner of his eye. “I think it’s too late, Alexi. We… we can’t make it this time. I'm… I'm sorry,†he wined, only barely making out these words. It was at this moment that she saw the Russians slit her brother’s neck, right in front of her. As the knife slid into his skin, Alexi jumped out of her chair, her heart racing. The tears flooded her face, and the Russians held her back. “No!! Nikolai! Wha- why?! You- you killed him…†she screamed, huffing and puffing. She cried and cried and cried, until finally she agreed to be an agent for the Russians. She hadn’t the slightest idea what she was getting into. She didn’t even know why the Russians took them. They had killed their parents, and taken Alexi and her brother hostage. Six years later, after hard labor, and years of painful punishments, Alexi devised a plan. She was going to escape. She was going to get back to the States. She carefully planned out how she would do it. She was going to sneak out of the assigned dorms, in the middle of the night, when the guards fall asleep. She would then manage her way to a port, where she would sneak on to the ship that sails down to Norway once a week. From there, Alexi would manage to get the money for a plane ticket back to the United States. If she found her uncle, he would know what to do. She could live with him. When midnight approached, Alexi’s heart pounded against her chest. She didn’t know what she would do if she were to be caught. So she carefully slid on her shoes and tip-toed over to the window. Nervously, she looked around the room to make sure no one was awake. Then, she cautiously and quietly opened the window, just high enough so she could squeeze herself out, and plopped down out of the small one story building. It was amazing that no one had thought to lock the window. She would love to meet the idiot who designed the place. On second note, if she were to be caught, she was dead. Outside, everything was absolutely still. No people, no animals, no nothing. Just the dirt beneath Alexi’s feet. The jet black night sky lured over her as she started to walk towards the port. Hours, it would take her to reach Suddenly, there was a noise coming from the other side of the road. “Officer, be on the lookout for a runaway,†she heard, coming from a radio of some sort. “Copy that, sir,†Alexi heard the man reply. She had completely forgotten about the night police. So she hid behind a bush, and she heard footsteps coming up behind her. .she slightly turned, just enough that she could see that the man had not noticed her yet. It would have been stupid for her to make a move, but that is exactly what she did. Whe the officer started to walk away, she stood up, and ran. She had no time to think; she made a point blank decision to run. Alexi knew that the officer was chasing her, but she could her nothing other than her hard breathing, and the sound of her slamming her feet on the ground every time she took a step. Without realizing, she had lost the man, but she continued to run. No matter how hot, tired, or dehydrated she was, she kept running, until, finally, she saw a boat. There was no one there, and the boat wasn’t due to leave for another hour. But, she made her way onto the boat, and found a corner behind a huge crate, where she was guaranteed to be safe. She had dozed off, before she had even seen anyone board the boat, which, she wasn’t planning to do for safety reasons. “Alexi,†she heard someone talking to her. “Alexi,†said the voice again. “Alexi, what are you doing? You’re going to get yourself killed.†She didn’t know where the voice was coming from, and it wasn’t one she recognized, either. “What? Who-who are you? Where am I?†said Alexi, in a soft, voice, almost soft enough to be a whisper. “Alexi, where we are doesn’t matter. It’s okay. Running away isn’t the answer. You didn’t want this life. But never run away. Escape just makes you one step closer to where you want to be, Alexi,†said the voice. “But I had to. I couldn’t live there any longer,†Alexi responded. “What is it that you want most, Alexi? The one thing that kills you on the inside. What is that one thing you want back?†Alexi remembered that day, when her parents were taken away, and her brother was killed right in front of her. A tear rolled down her cheek. “I-I want to be with my family again,†she said, so softly it was almost impossible to hear, “with my brother.†Suddenly, Alexi felt herself surrounded by water. she couldn’t tell if it was just a dream, or of the splash she had heard was merely an echo. thanks lots! - Jessa Nicole
Books & Authors - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
I think its a GREAT short story! I give it a 10, no lie!
2 :
hmm, you want the truth? I think it was alright. That plot was somewhat good, but I don't feel like i want to read more. & a lot of the sentences didn't really flow well, it was choppy. Based on your writing, i'd say you're 14 or 15...? I'm 16, but I use to write like this when I was 14. & don't get me wrong, you definitely have potential. keep working on it(: 6/10
3 :
You have good action here, but the execution needs some work. The story itself is great, but not very tight and I'd give it a 6 right now. Keep working and edit as much as you can. For instance 'What exactly had happened' is a fragment. Include it in the first sentense. You also change tense. Do you want it in present or past? Not even she knew...all she knew... keep it the same. 'a little drop of blood' is wonky - it'd be more believable if one saw it in the other, not both. If it's Alexi's point of view, maybe she sees it in the brother? She wouldn't know if she was bleeding unless she felt it. Whined. If she's tied up, how did she jump out of her chair? Huffing and puffing usually happen after a long run, consider editing that out. One cried is plenty. You could make that an entire prologue. Right now it seems to jump a little too quickly to 6 years later. 'heart pounded against her chest' is cliche and besides, where else would it pound? plopped is not a very strong word. No nothing is a double negative. Just the dirt is a fragment. A sky can't lure someone somewhere, that doesn't make sense. Hours it would take her to reach what? Why not just a radio? Of some sort is not necessary. If she's running 'took a step' implies walking. Consider revising. If it's told in her point of view, why mention she didn't realize at that point? Don't start a sentence with But. Then she dozes off a little too quickly, stay with the momentum. Don't have soft two times in the same sentence, just say she whispered. What does this mean 'Escape just makes you one step closer to where you want to be, Alexi,' Sounds like she wanted to escape to me, where else would she want to be?
